Posted by: The Chhamanator | January 20, 2009

How to turn (partially) invisible

A WOMAN NAMED Melanie in Ventura, California had a strange experience while sitting on her own living room sofa. While just staring at the wall, she became, she believes, invisible. Her husband walked around the house looking for her. He even walked right by her – just a few feet away – and did not see her. The episode lasted about 10 minutes, then suddenly she was visible again.

from paranormal.about.com

From time immemorial, man has found ways to push the limit of his physical and mental capabilities. We have learned to fly, landed on the moon and conquered the highest mountains and learned to extract the resources deep within the earth. But one power eluded him, the power of invisibility. Until now…

Go from this:

100 opacity

To this:

99 opacity

(Images stolen from Luliana’s Orkut Profile. All pictures used without permission)

While spending the winter vacations, I was fortunate enough to meet a wise old man (not a old wise man, there’s a difference). This old man told me that after years of practice and research, he now has the power to turn fully invisible. And he even demonstrated his new powers. He offered to teach me the technique and I readily agreed. After weeks of intense training, I have finally mastered the art of invisibility.

You too can learn to be invisible using this incredible technique. The full Gold Package will allow you to turn 100% invisible while the Silver Package will allow you to turn 70% invisible. The Gold Package costs $299.99 while the Silver Package will set you back by $249.99.Β  You can upgrade from the Silver Package to the Gold Package for only $45.99. In fact, the deal is so good that I’m offering a free sample which will allow you to turn 1% invisible. If you are impressed by the result and sign up for the offer within the next 3 months, you will receive a 15% discount.

Using this method, you will learn how to turn yourself partially invisible. Some users of this technique claims that they can achieve 98% opacity, isn’t that amazing?!! This method will not exactly let you disappear into thin air, but you may be able to disappear into thick air, a really thick air.

Before we get into the technical aspect of things, lets answer a few questions.

What should I drink and eat?

Drink a lot of water because as we all know, water is transparent (except in India and maybe Bangladesh where the rivers here are filled with human excrement, dead animals, and other wastes). Some people who are afraid of taking math in High School say the human body is composed of 70% water. To achieve partial invisibility, you need to drive this percentage to at least 76.4% so guzzle up. And if you can divide this water equally to all parts of your body, your chance of achieving total partial invisibility increases. If you are drinking wine, drink white wine instead of red wine because clinical tests have shown that red wine increases opacity per cubic centimetres by 4.5%. And by all means don’t drink Roohafza. Why? Because it tastes horrible, that’s why!

Should I be naked or wear something?

Although common sense would suggest that you could be invisible only if you are naked, it’s not necessarily true. Look at all the superheroes that have the invisibility power, none of them are actually naked (except the Hollow man, but he’s a bad guy and if you can be killed by a little fire, you aren’t exactly super, are you?). From experience, I can tell you that really tight tights seems to work best for invisibility. Then there’s the aesthetic factor as well.

Note: Not all people look good in tights. If you are not the strong muscular type or the long legged supermodel type, which you probably aren’t, considering the fact that you are actually reading this post, a robe or a cloak provides excellent alternatives. It seems to work pretty well for the hobbit with the hairy feet and the nerdy looking kid with the jailbait girlfriend.

Onto the real thing then…

First off, there are some stuff you’re gonna need to perform this feat. Be sure you have the following IN THE RIGHT QUANTITY. This is very important so make sure you get it right. The ingredients you’re gonna need are:

1. A can of Sprite.

2. Coca-Cola, the bottled variety.

3. Hair from the tail of a righteous Doberman.

4. A dozen scented candles made in either Surat, Machu Picchu or Ulan Bator.

Step 1:

If you have any posters, CDs or jpeg images of Paris Hilton, burn it. You have to do this because trying to become invisible and not be seen or heard by anyone goes against everything she stands for. Such clash of opposite principles may lead to destruction never seen before. So make sure you destroy everything associated with the attention whore. Even if you bookmarked her website or MySpace profile, delete it now. This is a small sacrifice you have to pay for the awesome power you are going to possess.

Step 2:

Take the scented candles and arrange them in the structure of Pleiades. Why Pleiades? It’s because everyone said they can see it but nobody really knows exactly where it is. Then take the hair from the righteous Doberman and sprinkle it around the candles.

Step 3:

Pour out two-thirds of the Sprite from the can and pour the Coke into the can. This creates a chemical reaction called Cokeincaonofsprite and produces a liquid called Coko-di-Spritus (Ck2Sp). Pour the new solution on your body, first your head then your left arm, righ ear, right nose and finally your left leg.

Step 4:

Let your body completely relax. Then stand in a yoga posture known as Upavistha Januparivfttasana. DO NOT, I repeat, do not think about Nelson Mandela at this point. This is extremely important. Trying not to think about him will probably make you think about him more. So good luck with that.

If you do this correctly, you will feel an new sensation of lightness and if you look at the mirror, you will discover you have become partially invisible. Congratulations, you have achieved 99% opacity.

A final word:

With great power comes great responsibilities. You are now endowed with the power to change the fate of mankind. Choose your path wisely. Go, and may the farce be with you.

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!!

(Disclaimer: Everyone may not get the same result. The above test is done under laboratory conditions and results may vary from person to person. I am not responsible for burns caused by candle or rabies due to doberman bite.Β  But I really need the money, so please send me as much as you can. Also, Mutual Funds are subject to Market Risk. Please read the offer document carefully before investing)

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Responses

  1. Great post as usual.. sure took ur time for the 1st post of the year, but worth every bit..

    “Not all people look good in tights. If you are not the strong muscular type or the long legged supermodel type, which you probably aren’t, considering the fact that you are actually reading this post.. ” so true.. πŸ˜€

    • @NotGood, you sure took your time posting your comment on the first post of the year. But worth every bit..
      Don’t worry about not being strong and muscular, I’m currently working on a post titled “How to convert beer belly into muscle in 4 easy steps”. Stay tuned.

  2. Beer belly is passe, man, leave that for the long-haired musician in Bangalore…hehe.. Post something like “How to go from the body of Dilton to that of Tarzan, without any side effects on the intelligence quotient”.. hehe..

  3. If beer belly is passe, you’re living in the past, dude. The long haired dude has passed beer belly a long time ago. He is now officially Sumo wrestler fat. The next post will be titled “How to go from an armyman to a mountaineer climbing the steps of Mt. Pleasant aka Tlangnuam”.

  4. Hilarious!!!

  5. Luliana in lak cute tum luttuk khiiii!! Invisibility aiin thinaroroot a ngeih zawk ang! Haha

  6. @aduhi,
    thank you, thank you

    @wonderboy
    Luliana chuan thin arrowroot tlar 8 a ei zo thei an ti πŸ™‚

  7. luliana bul a mi khi a nau a mi? luliana hi a fel hmel e! a fel ngawt ang … ka va nui nasa em :-))

    • @lalrimtuii(queenperfume)
      Ka hre bik lo, a classmate te an niang. Luliana chu an unauah amah chiah mipa a awm. Chuvangin a hming tak pawh Nuhlira. A fel lutuk, varak kalin kal rawh kan tih paw’n a kal zel…

  8. Gr8 work chhama !!!
    some really innovative & humorous thoughts huh…
    Keep up the good work

  9. Luliana ka hrilh a, a chatthla(?) lai pic ka nei a, exam zoh ah ka post ve dawn chiang luttuk a ti! *grin*
    a bul a mi khi chu a senior a nia mahse ‘dul’ lam a a unau! πŸ˜€

  10. Haha ! Ngaihtuah chhuak dangdai thei hle mai a. I hausak phah toh bok m ?

  11. Briliiant post! Ka nui nasa ltk. I’m wondering why I never read you before…

  12. @vishnu,
    thanks for the comment. It is my aim in life to live upto your expectations πŸ™‚
    @wonderboy,
    a ti ve mai2 a nih chu. kan thianho ah amah bak chattlha ngut2 kan awm ngai lo. Hmanah pawh a rui sual a, “Bawng ka ni, min kai ru”, a tia, a la buu vak2 zui.
    @Khring,
    khrong
    @Jerusha,
    thank you. The reason why you never read my posts is probably because you’re too busy looking for a male stripper :).

  13. Awesome post…too good.

    Worth reading from top to bottom πŸ™‚

  14. awesome dude…really…how do you come up with stuff like that?? πŸ˜€

  15. Yeah but some peeps might not have those ingridients at the moment duh! 😐


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